$mall ¢hi-¢hi-rodriguez with s’more of satan I mean santa cheer to add to that flask you keep in the suit pocket. Whether its Oban or Makers or John Powers or Early Times (uggg….) rest assured about one thing…a flask is made for whiskey, bitches! Get it straight and save your stoli for bloody holy marys on xmas morning!

Of course if this is booorrring you (i.e. all you bored ass boring mofos) then pull the handbrake (aka my middle finger) and get off this dondi-era tagged up number 5 line of a email list. I’ll sink yo’ ass like a slow rollin’ 8-ball over sonomas felt (RIP chelsea billards).

To quote WC: Never give a sucker an even break.

To quote G-starr: Suckas Need Bodyguards.

To quote www.elchupacabra.com:

El Chupacabra – Means “the goat sucker” in Spanish.

Named because of the way it sucked all the blood from Puerto Rican goats, the Chupacabra has been leaving fear in its tracks for many years now.

First spotted in Puerto Rico in 1994, the Chupacabra has since migrated off the island and has recently been spotted in many locations including many clubs in the meat packing district, aka stinky south beach. Although it was named because of its choice of goat-blood as a meal, the Chupacabra has reportedly attacked and devoured the blood of a wide variety of animals including Kenny G and Michael Bolton fans. As far as we know, there have yet to be any human fatalities.

Due to the distinct technique the strange animal has of killing its prey, it is very easy to tell if the Chupacabra was involved in an animals death. Animals are found with puncture wounds in their neck, used condoms around their scrotums, most of their blood removed, and a small bag of gay porn and bottled water at the scene ala Heathers. Often, the victim’s organs have disappeared even though the only wound is a small hole in the animal’s neck. I had a girl do that to me once…

Ok, okay! These emails seem to get worse and worse. Get to the fucking point already! We’ve all seen Duck Amuck! Lets get this friggin’ picture started!

Biggee $mall$ comes correcccht with another week of madness as if we could top the all day insanity of santacon last weekender. I’m still recovering, just in time to jump back in, yes, that’s right kids, my B-DAY WEEKEND SPECTACULAR.

$mizzle ¢hizzle turns the rip age of 45rpm this saturday. And since I ALWAYS party like its $19.99 I can’ t just do one day, no no no ala Dawn Penn. But I also can’t work tooo much, cos life is…Too Short. Freaky Tales indeedy. So I got some quality guest sets Thurs/Fri/Sat where I’ll spin a bit but also be hanging out. I know, what a concept for me…come from behind the decks for a minute and actually chill the fuck out. And then run and hide and spin s’more records after I realize how fucked up all you motherfuckers are. I keed, I keed. So yeah, nothing super planned, but if you happen to be in the area with your Dazed and Confused era paddle and feel like giving me a spanking, well…take a number! But would be good to see you, and you, and you…and yes, even YOU. F’real. Jeez! People are so damn sensitive!

Also, on the horizon, I’m doing a somewhat organized party (what a friggin’ concept!?) with Dave P (Rebound aka the Water Taxi Beach parties) and Jen Lyon (Mean Red Productions, promoter supastar) on Dec. 29th. The party is called the Professionals since NYE is officially amateur night (you DO know this people, right?!). So we thought we’d do something Friday of NYE weekend for folks who want to get down f’real. Info at ze bottom and another lil’ reminder next week.

The short shorts list (we like short shorts…). 3 flavors to choose from!

Thurz: Scratch Perry sideman Glen Adams and mice-elf at Galapagos. Droppin’ super stoopid heavy reggae, rocksteady, ska, dub, dancehall.

Fry: Me and Monk One doing damage JVC Force style at Black Betty. Quality weekend bump and grind shit, roller disco, tru-skool hip hop and rapp, muy caliente salsa and batucada and whatever else works.

Saturnz: A little undisclosed techno/electro oft ting at a semi-secret location in billyburg. Expect the finest in highbrow geto haus (work that booty!), vintage 90s ‘ardcore (pacifier NOT included), torqued out miami bass and electro, and maybe some techno. Yes $¢ spins a lil’ fucking techno. News at 11 and shit.

29th: The Professionals, multi room throwdown with Wajeed (Platinum Pied Pipers), Nickademos (Turntables on ze Hudson), The Bangers, Jamal (Turntable Lab), Saheer (Tokion), and mice-elf plus others. And maybe some other people too. At 49 Ann St. space DOWNtown.

Thrus Thrusdu Theusysa Thureadya thursday Theosauraus…

Nice little ting happening at Galapagos Art Space (why don’t they just call it a friggin’ bar already!) with legendary reggae session keyboardist Glen Adams performing with the Jammyland All Stars. If you know Lee Scratch Perry classics like ‘Return of Django’, those organ lines are all courtesy of Mr. Adams, who’s been in various groups since the early 60s (Hippy Boys reprezant!). Homeslicity played with Augustus Pablo, the Heptones, the Pioneers, as well as playing on my fave Bob sides like Soul Rebel, Small Axe, Duppy Conqueror, etc. Dude is extremely OG Black Ark original gangsta. Also on the bill are longtime NYC reggae/ska man on the scene King Django, with the Subatomic Soundsystem, and mice-elf and Benny Beats on ze ones/twos. I will be diggin up a lot of hard hitting rusty dusties for this event, plus a few 80s/90s classics to keep the punters drinking their pints (remember, its an ART space!). The fine vinyl archeology zine/quarterly/tome Wax Poetics has also decided this will be their holiday magazine release party, so try and grab a copy if you can. Should be a nice event for heads.

Thursday, December 21, 2006
Glen Adams with the Jammyland Allstars
King Django with the Subatomic Soundsystem
DJs $mall ¢hange and Benny Beats
(I’ll be doing a few sets throughout the night, towards the early side…)
8:00 PM – 3:00 AM
cover: $7.00 | $7 in advance, $10 at the door
open bar 9pm-10pm courtesy of brooklyn breweries
Wax Poetics holiday release party (Lee Scratch on ze cover)

Galapagos Art Space
70 North 6th St.
between Kent and Wythe
Brooklyn, NY 11211
http://www.galapagosartspace.com

Fryd Drday Friday Driveby Fried Green okra wintrhopy Frygusy

Monk One has been a farce, I mean force (I keed, I keed) on the NYC for like 15min. I know 15 minutes doesn’t seem like a long time, but if you put your dog in the microwave for that long, well…ok. Lets start over. Again, these emails are getting worse and worse as I spiral downward and downward. But getting to Monk, dude is a serious motherfucker, much much respeck. 1/2 of the Together Brothers with the equally esteemed Emskee, homeboy holds down a regular column dedicated to 12s in Wax Poetics, longtime resident for WBAI’s Underground Railroad show (and occasional ‘Rare Radio’ showcases), been diggin’ for EONs and has crates for daze. Not your bedroom collectro by a longshot, Monk has been a professional working DeeJay for over a decade and knows his craft. From the heaviest funk and rock breaks to boogie oogie oogie til you just can’t take it no more, hip hop and you don’t stop to spliffed out reggae sides, its always a good balance of edutainment, the real party jams, the hard hitting underground steez. Keeping it real has never been so easy and that’s why you need to shoutout the mofos that are still doing in the park, doing it after dark. Anyways I’ll be bringin’ some ass shaking sides and will be looking forward to trade sides on the decks with some of NYC’s royalty and on the dancefloor with y’all.

Black Betty Fridays
Monk One
especial B-day set by Poquito Cambio
MC duties by G-Man
10pm-4am
(I’ll prob be hangin’ from 11ish til whenevers)
No cover
dancing (what a concept?!)

Satduafdy Dsausya Snausages Saturday Saturnz Returns bad goldie dnb daze

This one’s on the DL people, cos its a friends place and I’m not sure how many folks he wants to show up or have this forwarded around. (Not that anybody actually comes to my parties anyway! Look this email shit isn’t a joke (or is it?), get off yer ass and come down bob barker style since he’s retiring this year!) Anyways its a lil’ xmas-y gathering for some downtown techno minded folks. Unfortunately they’ve mistakingly asked me to also play a bit, so you know I’ll be throwing a lil’ monkey wrenchery in the mix. But I’m also doing a lil’ can’t we all just get along rodney king style and will spin some techno. Yes biatches, I have a lil’ techno here and there. Where is it? Um, not sure. Need to reorganize the stacks badly…any takers? But yeah should be a slightly different set for moi and if you’re interested hit me back and I’ll send ya the info. Just be nice cos its a haus party.

Saturday
b-day boy $¢ plus a bunch of other drunken folks gets messy
somewhere in billyburg
trucker hat NOT included
earlyiish to probably extremely late

Dec 229292929929299229999992292929

Got together with a few folks and we had this little nutty idea. Since NYE falls on a sunday, and lotsa drunk mofos are usually in town getting stoopid all weekend, we thought having a quality shindig on that friday night could be a good ticket to…nowhere. And fast. Thus, we presente:

The Professionals

Floor One

Wajeed (Platinum Pied Pipers)
The Bangers
Small Change
Jamal Ali (Turntable Lab)
Saheer (Tokion)

Floor Two

Nickodemus (Wonder Wheel)
and Special Guests

Floor Three
Professional Rest Area – conversation, loungin, mayhem

The Music Gallery:: 49 Anne St. bet. Nassau and Williams St. 10pm – whenever
$10 Cover, RSVP for guaranteed admission
$5 cover to anyone working on NYE (bring a pay stub, flyer, knowledge of mixed drinks, whatever ya got)

Wajeed’s Platinum Pied Pipers group (czeck the output on the Ubiquity label) has gotten international acclaim for forwarding nu-school soul music on the real. Shoutout to my sister from another planet Tiombe Lockheart who’s a PPP frequent collab. Wajeed’s roots stretch back to Detroit and production work for Slum Village, he knows his music and continues to push the real shit, its an honor to share the decks with him. Rounding up the posse includes NYC party stalwarts the Bangers, who get around like mofos because they’re 23 1/2 hour party people no fucking doubt. Rock the haus guaranteed. Plus my man my mellow Jamal who lives and breathes this music shit, and will steer you on what you’re sleepin’ on at the Lab…go visit and get schooled. Saheer I dunno much about but if Jen sez he’s down he’s down, cos that girl is no jizzoke.

Of course we’ve teamed up with Nickademos of Turntables fame so you’re getting double the fun doublemint gum nah sayin’? Last time I check he was trying to arrange this brass band from eastern romania to play (or something like that) but rest assured this born and bred NYC mofo always, always, always kills it. Again, another mofo I take cliff notes on, Turntables is a beautifully strong force in NYC, keeping things surreal, many warm summer nights dancing to some real shit. That’s all we ask for, but someone needs to set it up and do it right, so big big shouts to Nick and Mariano. It ain’t easy being green, i.e. sticking up for some good muzak and having people follow it. Of course check the output on Wonderwheel recordings and do some dancing in his room but save a few for my late night funky selections upstairs.

All in all it should be a night of retarded music and a good way to kick off your NYE weekend. We strive for a barf free event, I can’t say the same for my other party promoters doing things a few days later.

Anyways pack yourself on the back (or whip yourself ala name of the rose) for getting this far. And if you didn’t, well, you can stick you fing–y’know…that’s it…I’m cutting myself off. The limbo taste bar is practically on the floor and I have to save a few stabs for next week…til then kiddies!