In honor of all the retarded party invites I’ve been getting…

I’ve finally started to see the light. It all about model and bottles! What the fuck have I been thinking all these years, just digging for records? What a waste of time. Don’t worry, I’m not selling out, I’m buying in. All in bitch, I’m holding ace/king suited. Of course, with this party agenda comes some slight changes/dress codes/etc, so I thought I’d let you know the following about my future parties:

Attention bottle ballers…if you buy 8 bottles of belvigoose, we’ll toss in another 8! Plus a gold plated puke bucket and half off your ambulance ride to pump your liver…

When you’re 1st entering the club, please make a request in the 1st five minutes of walking in. Obviously if the DJ is not playing the newest, hottest jam that you can lip sync too, well, they suck. In fact, that’s a good thing to ask the DJ. ‘Did you bring anything good?’ Trust me, DJs love hearing that. They know you have discerning tastes and they know that the world revolves around you. Which it does, obviously!

Ladies free before 4:20am. Just bring a can of GREENS to feed the starving children of some country we’re exploiting for cheap labor. And please wear something slutty and be somewhat anoretic. Obviously if you’re not here to please the men what else are ya good for? We have 5 different leveled VIP rooms. Based on our ‘meat’ judges at the door we will determine what quality pork chop you are and assign you accordingly.

Men, please spend a stoopid amount of cash, even if you don’t have it. Obviously that’s the ONLY way to impress the chicks. Max out your mom’s credit card if you have to, roll up in a stretch hummer, drop dollars like there’s no tomorrow. Save up for property?! What are you, nuts?! Blow it all on an eight ball or a 2000% marked up bottle of watered down booze! Plus free ocean spray cranberry juice and sunny delight! Stay gucci down to the socks. Please wear prada shoes. If they are imitation pradas, you WILL be sent home. Jeans are ok if you have a note from you mom saying she’s ironing your bobby brown pleated pants.

Okay, I keed, I keed. But if you are interested those parties mos definitely happen around NYC. Go have ‘fun’.

But for the rest of y’all, here’s yet another friggin’ missive. When will it stop? Unless you tell me in uncertain curse laden terms that you want off this spamorific list, I’ll keep feedin’ ya, and feedin’ ya, and feedin’, like that wu-tang skit off the 1st rekkid.

Tonight, tues, I invade stinky south beach again. Aka the meat packing district. I’ll be downstairs at ye olde APT. Not only am I bringing my usual unusual bag of musical trix is for kids tricks, but I’m joined by mellow deejay motherfucker Reaganomics of Pure Fire fame (or lack thereof). Aaron is crazy in all the good ways there is to be, has skills to pay the bills, bills, bills, pay your telephone bill, pay your…you get it. Plus he’s an arteeest, you should check out his electro-luminecent bugs. Tasty. Should be a tight lil’ session, plus APT’s soundsystem is somewhat death star-ish. Set phasers to extreme booty annihilation.

Tuesday

$mall ¢hange and Reaganomics

@ APT, 419 w. 13th btw 9th and Washington

10pm onwards and upwards and inwards, no coverage.

we’re in the basement (of the alamo).

Thursday I’m doing double dookie, I mean duty at both Joe’s Pub(lic theatre) and the East Side Co.

My man my mellow DJ Handler axed me to play a few rekkids before he hits the stage with this crazy hebrew MC Y-Love. Blood of Abraham has nothing on this dude. Actually I don’t know too much about him but I will be bringing some dope shit to warm ze decks. Expect: only the finest in rapp music. Fuck hip hop. I’m only playing 1/2 an hour around 11 or 11:30ish.

Y-Love, Jake Break, DJ Handler and $¢

Thursday August 10, at 11:30 PM

Joe’s Pub

Lafayette near Astor/8th.

not sure on the door damage.

Laterish I’m heading over the the East Side Co. where my partner in forensic music crime lab partner DJ Sims is holding it down with an ole friend DJ Leche. Geo has been on the NYC scene for more than a minute and has crates. Sims is one of my fave peepholes in the world, and Stolen Moments is our thing. Don’t test! These sessions are taped and up and running on the giant step jukebox, czeck giantstep.net. Stolen Moments is jazz music by sensibility rather than definition, we let our guests sort out what that means to them. Its a very open format and lots of quality shit being dropped come by for a fressssh cocktail courtesy of a bar menu designed by Sascha of Milk and Honey fame.

Stolen Moments

DJs Sims, $mall ¢hanges, especial guesto Leche

Thursdays at the East Side Co.

49 Essex near grand, wooden door (next to ‘the pickle guys’)

9pm onwards/upwards/inwards/outwards

werd up peepholes! Stay cool in these inconvenient truth times!